April 29, 2011


It never fails to amaze me the level of anonymous hate that seethes out of strangers once you go public on the Internet.

Mama Jane is an Internet creeper - she's probably been on your Facebook page and checked out all the pictures of your cousin, just because she can. But her skills are that of a middle-aged woman who types with only two middle fingers with a percussive sound like this: ticka... ticka... tacka tacka... ticka. It can drive a person nuts. She's a typical mom that calls it "The Facebook" and "Tweeter" so you can imagine my absolute amazement when she went rogue, defied the logical boundaries of technological ineptitude and took on the Internet bully/stalker who dared call her beautiful daughter FAT.  

I say bully/stalker because although my short films are posted on YouTube for the enjoyment of everyone, my name is not attached to them, nor do I have my own profile to host them, so you actually have to Google me  to find the one place where they're all hosted. And under each video, posted by the same anonymous profile is "Great film... except for the fat actress" or "This was hilarious, but what's with the fat blonde chick?"

Really? That's all you got? I'm Fat? My film won $500 dollars. This person could admit they liked it. There were four other actors in this particular short, but I get singled out and insulted. Now why do I scare you so much?

I'm a size 4. I've never considered myself having a weight issue, however... I remember reading somewhere that the "average Hollywood actress" is a size 0 and weighs about 90lbs. I've also read the "average Hollywood actress" has bulimia and STILL has to suck a dick to get a job. So I will apologize now for not having low self-esteem, an eating disorder, and a people pleasing complex. To steal from Lady Gaga, "I'm a fucking lion... and I'll devour a veggie burger like the ravenous beast I am." Totally took some liberties on that quote.

And what if I was "FAT" ? What difference does it make? Would it mean that I should be shamed from pursuing my dreams and goals? Deny a God-given directive to follow my heart's desire?

I see YouTube comments on girls I would classify has being "skinny" and thus "having it all," they too are called FAT. So I think we all need to just pull our FAT asses out of the world of shame and shake it even harder in the faces of adversity. Just mark a big F and U on that ass and shake it!

Being insulted seems to come with the territory. It often makes me laugh, but it really hurts my mom's feelings. FAT is the default insult for women, like "Gay" would be for the straight male. It doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to be true. It's old and tested and it works for the immature person who is so riddled with their own failures and inadequacies. I've stepped out here with my real face and my real name. Anonymous hides in the shadows, thinking they're taking me down a notch. Clearly, my balls are bigger.

But this is the best part of the story. Jane goes into Momma Bear mode, takes the afternoon off from her private practice to figure out how to create a YouTube account so that she can retort and defend my honor. Do you realize how insane that is? She's defied her generational limitations for a higher purpose. That's like grandma lifting up the car so little Timmy can crawl out. I was so proud of my mom. It didn't matter that it probably took all afternoon for her to figure it out and that she typed with two fingers. Because this is what she posted:

I've noticed you posted the same comment on each of the videos of this beautiful young actress. Clearly, she knows you personally. Why don't you post a picture of yourself? I'm sure you're a real looker!

Doesn't that just scream Mom? Can you imagine how proud I was of her? My mom's a fucking lion and she'll hunt you down in the desert and tear your face off if you mess with her cub. So don't.

April 24, 2011

Praise Jesus!

Jesus Walks. Or Floats.
It's Jesus' Re-Birthday and how could I not comment on the greatest horror story ever told? Although I was born into an Irish Catholic Family, my religious experiences with Jesus were sporadic. I remember getting smacked for saying, "Jesus was pretty hot, hey mom?" when I pointed out the illustration in my kids bible. Apparently, you can't objectify the Lord. Then there was the holographic picture of Jesus in my great grandmother's wood-panel bungalow. He would bless you if you walked past him. I thought it was pretty neat and when she died I wondered who he was left to. 

But the first "scary" Jesus experience was when my uncle took me to church shortly after being released from jail for bank robbery, hostage taking, and possession of cocaine. In the slammer, he became a born-again Christian. And boy, do you score points when you show up with a cute five-year-old girl and try to convert her to the cult cause.

I remember this stale church with florescent lighting and these adults that didn't dress like the regular adults I knew. I felt weird and uncomfortable, probably beccause of the gory image of Jesus in the front, bleeding on the cross, nails hanging out of his flesh, the crown of thorns... it gave me nightmares. But that wasn't the worst part. My Uncle John was called to the front. He waved his hands in the air like he was struggling with invisible bees and called out for Mary, mother of Jesus, to speak to us. And she answered.

I nearly shit my pants. I was five! How was I to know it was some audacious nutjob in the back who took it upon herself to "evoke the spirit"? That shit was real, and if Jesus' mom was real then so was he and why the f*$% ( I really did swear at an early age) was he nailed to that power line?

Because of that experience, I wasn't able to finish my prayer in my kid's bible: If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take... no thanks dude, I'm keeping my own soul thank you very much.

I always thought Freddie Krugar traumatized me as a kid and made me obsessed with horror, but maybe it's Jesus' fault. As a side note, Uncle John soon after went back to a life of cocaine. Turns out Jesus' love just isn't as euphoric as the blow, but that's a story for another time.

Now this is what I've been thinking over the past few days. I really want to see a story about Jesus as a vampire. I know it's not an original idea, maybe it has been done already, but I don't think so because the good Christians of the world would shut that down pretty quick. There is Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, which has some clever tag lines and a laughably entertaining premise, check out the trailer HERE, but I want some acknowledgment of how our popular North American vacation maker is clearly one of the undead!

The Eucharist (drink the blood, eat the flesh), being staked, the image of the cross as being harmful (not because it evokes the holy light, but shit, if I was crucified and someone was rubbing it in my face I would probably hiss at them too), the resurrection from the tomb... he's immortal... I mean, what else do you need??? It's been mentioned before, even Jason Stackhouse made the connection in TRUE BLOOD season two, but I really want to see what could be explored here!!

I like to imagine the vampire Jesus hiding out in the desert again, troubled by being so misunderstood and the irony of his followers spilling more blood than he does, in his name no less. Ripe with struggle. What will he do? Where will he go? Who did he change with him? I'd love to play with this, but I just don't have the time. So this idea is free for the grabbing. Just send me a copy.

April 18, 2011

"Face it. You're no whore and you're no athlete." - My Mom

Writer's have to have some inspiration and I've re-kindled my love affair with the public library recently. I had to take a decade hiatus when I collected a hefty $595.00 charge... seriously, and how is that possible? Because I'm a greedy greedy and I want everything now and I want it to be mine. Bwha hahaha!

Stumbled upon Diablo Cody's  book Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper. Such a fun summer read, I highly recommend it to those who haven't enjoyed it yet. However, it's really burnt a hole in my plan B. Or plan C. The stripper life is certainly not for me. I just don't like people that much and I've always been an uncooperative sort. Even as a waitress I can't hustle that much. "Fuck You" is always on the tip of my tongue. The book is really funny, graphic, and doesn't glamorize the lifestyle. It's clear she was the black sheep of the industry, the one there for fun. It's a grizzly, sexist, debasing profession. Glad I've got my brain. That's plan B: Scientist. (Not really).

April 10, 2011

Starry Eyed

You know that scene in Abyss where Lindsey Brigman (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio) is just awe-struck by the new entity she's encountered in the depths of the Ocean? Yeah... I'm feeling like that lately. I mean, maybe it's the euphoric starvation as my diet has been strictly Cortisol and Cranberry Juice w/ Soda... but I'm on the path to new discoveries and experiences and I'm feeling pretty damn good about it.

As I've trudged along with the development of two feature-length screenplays for M.Entertainment, we've signed an option agreement and they've gone ahead with searching for funding to develop and produce the projects! Which means - ideally - that within the next three years, both films will be made. The producers have just returned from a meeting on the coast with SuperChannel where they pitched the ideas and apparently, SC LOVED them! It's so amazing to have that feedback - all reinforcements that I'm doing the right things and all this hard work is beginning to pay off.

The most incredible thing is how normal this feels. It's only been since August that I decided to devote time to screenwriting and adjusting my life accordingly. It seems to be developing pretty fast, but I've been so focused on the work that it's almost hard to recognize how significant this milestone is. People have been so supportive, feeling like this was inevitable, and I guess I hoped it was, but still doubted it. I thought this experimental year would end with me hanging up my hat and "settling down" into a mind-numbing desk job that's practical and easy. Or become a stripper. It was 50/50.

Now I'm really beginning to understand my own potential and I'm expanding my vision of myself. But I also need to eat... the pub has been incredibly busy lately and I'm surviving on adrenaline and a Second Cup muffin during 9 hour shifts. The past... shit, three weeks, have been a complete blur of sleep deprivation and headaches, hours of Civilization to "come down" from life (I totally massacred the Chinese after they stole my city. Don't mess with me computer!) and curling up like a cat in the lap of my hot nurse, who is also stressed and overworked.

I seriously need a vacation and time to replenish this dehydrated brain. And take time to be really, really grateful for the opportunities that are springing up around me. And damn, I need to watch Abyss again. That was an incredible movie. Rent it.
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