December 12, 2011

Let the Light Shine!

Today's message is brought to you by the letter P and E or a weird little dude with a big clock. That's right, Flavour Flav. Public Enemy has this great song called "He Got Game." One line has always stood out for me, like a prophetic message: "Watch out for the soul snipers, trying to steal your light." Brace Yourself. I'm going to get a little deep and esoteric here.


December 5, 2011

Eat Your Meat!

Talk about learning how to dance on a moving carpet! We have a new shift in creative as Chris has received some excellent news and has his own sketch comedy show in development with Superchannel!! A huge congratulations to him. I can't wait to see how it all unfolds. Guaranteed to be a hilarious riot.

November 20, 2011

Shout Out to Momma Jane

It's Momma Jane's birthday today! As I continue to develop my projects and step out into the unknown, I must acknowledge my coach in the corner who pushes me to fight, hit hard, and lay the smack down. It is essential to have someone in your life who believes in you. Many times in the past year I've cried, whined and complained that I simply cannot do what needs to be done. I throw epic pity parties and no one is invited.

Momma Jane pulls me out from the mud and tells me to stop being such a little baby. We call this the Jane-Wayne-ing. She pulls out the big guns and fires off a few. There's no messing around with this woman. So whatever I grasp in this life, I take it because my mom said I could. I wouldn't be anywhere without her.

Here are some other Momma Jane Highlights. All great titles for Children's Books:

Momma Jane watches The Orphan

Momma Jane supports strippers

Momma Jane has it made at the end of the world

Momma Jane learns the internet

Momma Jane promises bacon!


November 17, 2011

L.A. BABY!!!

Clarity is important.
As in Leduc, Alberta. Oh there's abnormally tanned people and white powder widely available here too, only it's just rednecks and real snow. Ten centimeters promised in a massive blizzard. Leduc is the big destination because my Friendly Giant is having surgery on his ALC today. I must share this picture with you all. I think it's absolutely hilarious that he had to mark his own knees to ensure proper medical attention. We've heard the stories before, limbs being amputated and it was the wrong freaking limb...


November 15, 2011

Green Means GO!

Truckstop Bloodsuckers has been given the green light from  an unlikely ally, the subscription comedy channel BITE TV. Feature film, webisodes, and a potential television series. It's more than I possibly could have imagined!  The plan is to go the way of Sanctuary and Todd and the Book of Pure Evil to create a fan base on-line first and then release the product in a pincer attack across North America and beyond.


November 5, 2011

The Hanging Man

Transitional periods suck. HURRY UP. Now WAIT. That's been my pace over the past few weeks. I'm a Philly locked in the gate, waiting for the alarm and the chance to run free. The waiting makes me anxious. The constant tension is a drain. How does one remain peaceful and calm when the dark clouds of "biggest challenge of your life" begin to loom on the horizon?


October 18, 2011

Where My Girls At?

 I had an interesting conversation a few weeks ago with some local film enthusiasts/art house theatre guys. The topic of conversation was the lack of women in the local scene and throughout the world. When I told them that I write and direct, they were ecstatic! But they wanted to know, where are the others? Do they exist? Have they been wiped out by the Lord of Darkness? And it got me thinking. Am I really that rare?


October 16, 2011

Lucky Strike

I'm going to be big... a big deal!
I celebrated a birthday recently and one of my favourite things to do is go down to the Russian Tea Room in Edmonton and pay a psychic to talk about me. Who doesn't love to hear how wonderful they are?

The Russian Tea Room is a unique place. The decor is 80's Dynasty-inspired kitsch with Buddhist monuments, low lighting, fake plastic trees and white trellis. The menu is bland North American: pasta, burgers, dry rib appetizers. The psychics smell like coffee and cigarettes. It's the mash-up culture I so adore in Blade Runner, an amalgamation of bits and pieces of everything to create a completely bizarre scene. I would love to shoot a film at this location.

The psychic I went to has freaked me out before, as he is uniquely tuned in to some unseen frequency and knew things about me he couldn't possibly know. This year, more of the same.

He told me that the next two years, I have horseshoes up my ass. The opportunity to work with very talented people, be in the right place at the right time, and to have the world dropped at my feet is all on the horizon. I'm the Pilot Kid, producing numerous ideas for television and film. He told me to study Rod Serling and Alfred Hitchcock (already my all time favourites) as my work will be an extension of the intelligent and sometimes dark worlds these men offered.

And then the psychic turned very dark and still. "Now I have to ask you, how fucking serious are you? I'm sorry to use that word, but it cuts to the chase. You need to get fucking serious." A man after my own heart! Don't you love when the universe gives you the information you need in the way only you can hear it?

So I'm getting really fucking serious. More than ever I'm realizing my talent as a writer and my ability to produce something unique. This is not the time to hide and cower in the shadows of my own doubt.

I do feel immensely lucky right now. But to me, luck is preparation meeting opportunity. I've been working a long time on my stories, my characters, my ideas. I'm the golden goose, shitting out golden nugget after golden nugget. (Note: Momma Jane wants full credit for this one). So it's time to really know what I'm worth and what I have to offer.

October 5, 2011


And so it begins. Barely moving past the treatment for Truckstop Bloodsuckers and already the request is in for the Horror Holy Trinity: Budget, Blood, and Boobs. Contacts have been made with a softcore pornography producer who could potentially amp up the budget if the film is marketable. (Don't you love how the term marketable actually means "sellable flesh"?) The catch: write a role for a lady who bangs for a living.


September 27, 2011

The Horror of Student Loans

Chainsaw. It's the way of the Samurai.
I'd like to make a film for an untapped demographic: student loan borrowers. It would be a revenge film, where an angry former student goes Michael Douglas on Tricura Canada and the National Student Loan Services. Tired of having her credit rating harmed due to the molasses bureaucratic process and rude call center people, tired of the generic papers that read URGENT, ACTION REQUIRED, COLLECTION SERVICES and then the call center tells her to ignore them... ignore the harassment? I don't think so.

I'd call the film like, "I'll Show You Debt Bitch," or something like that.

To all the students out there who are still be screwed over by these idiots, I feel your pain. And someday... ooohhhh someday....


September 25, 2011

There's a New Sheriff in Town

"SLAM ON THE BRAKES!" My internal wheels spin and coast off their trajectory as I float across the ground al la Tokyo Drift. Yes I did just reference that garbage. Change of plans. Seems like my lovely Blob movie of projectile vomiting teenagers is going to be put on the back burner. My second project for Mosiac Entertainment is now taking the spotlight, as a new specialized TV station has taken interest and wants to see a screenplay, asap.


September 17, 2011

Scream Queen B Productions

The sound of crickets you hear? I apologize for appearing to have gone AWOL, but some magnificent changes are taking place and I have an exciting announcement! First, I must talk about Bees.


August 30, 2011

Exclusive Sneak Peak: Surprise Party

Up-in-coming Director Jamie Scott has released this EXCLUSIVE rough-cut trailer for the 16mm production of The Surprise Party. Note how it has the look and feel of a 1982 Canadian Snuff film. It was produced in an abandoned farm house outside of Onoway Alberta and the storyline is as follows: a young woman is lured to a home where people have been killed, finds a demon from the depths of hell, and get's it on with him. Total lie. But that is what the trailer may imply, so I think we should start the rumour now. Enjoy!

Watch the footage HERE.


August 24, 2011

Don't Let Them Tell You It Can't Be Done!

Jack and his wife, Olivia Chow (1991)
I've got the big time sads. As in the emotion, not seasonal affected depression, just to clarify. For those non-Canadian fans of this blog, we lost a great politician last Monday to aggressive, tragic, Cancer. Jack Layton was a man of integrity, passion, kindness, and optimism. He was a champion of the people. And as you see by his support of science fiction, one cool dude. 

August 4, 2011

BOHO Island

I've been spending the past week out on Bowen Island, a secluded paradise outside of Vancouver that has some interesting connections to the world of horror. The Fog and The Uninvited have been filmed here, there is a BEAR on the island, and a terrifying whisper around the campfire... the locals are SWINGERS. Allegedly. I can see it. Everyone here is just a little too friendly...


July 30, 2011

The Importance of Leaving Your House, Writing 101

In the last year I've transformed from an isolated writer lost in an apocalyptic world, to one who fearlessly shares her work with a group of writers, thankful for feedback, criticism, and even praise. The Bleedening was shared during my workshop last week to rave reviews and thoughtful suggestions to further it's development. The instructor called it a "hilarious and gory hoot - funny as hell." You don't get that kind of affirmation by hiding your writing in the drawer.

So here is my inspiration for the day: Find other people like you and be brave. Share yourself.  I can only relate the joys of working with other writers to the comfort I find with my fellow hypochondriacs on the internet, as we utilize Google to ensure we're not dying of some rare disease.

In the beginning, I was hesitant to fork over cash for any workshop, but I was also desperate to prove to myself that I was serious about being a writer. I was really naive, didn't research the credentials of the instructor, had a lot of expectations of what the experience would give me, and didn't protect my money as well as I should. Yet every experience, if not useful to my development as a writer, has given me immense inspiration to use in my work. Case in Point:

It was the summer of 2010. I paid an astronomical amount of money to a screenwriter from L.A. She was not actually from L.A., but had taken a workshop there. Not actually a screenwriter, but an aspiring one who suffered from doubt and fear and could not finish. Minor false advertisements.

Janice (*name has definitely been changed) was in her 50's, she had a smoked-riddled husky voice and a severe Cleopatra haircut. She dressed head-to-toe in black and wore skinny jeans (not age appropriate). Gothic, beatnik, strange. I instantly picked up on this likable, scatterbrained energy, like her life is just this crazy tornado that she got swept up in. That was probably Red Flag #1. She was instructing the course from her apartment and when I arrived at her door, this little fluffy dog named Mr. Waffles comes out to greet me. It was a "no pets allowed" building. Red Flag #2.

When I walked into her place, I was assaulted by the vision of 1980's Dynasty Decore: white furniture, white pillars, glass, crystal, white doilies, white candles, white fake plants, white carpet! I should also mention that Mr. Waffles was white, as was the cat, Sandra (who had this bizarre stub for a tail and was one of those typically bitchy cats). Can you imagine this? Dark, broody, husky Janice lives in a glorious old lady's vagina. I mean, she literally lives inside Elizabeth Taylor. How could I not stay to see what would happen? 

So Cozy. So Sparkly.
As it turned out, I'm one of two students who bother to show up and take her class. Red Flag # 3. The other student is Ralph, a 60 year old man and the epitome of stubborn, sexist, and ageist. Yet, he was of that age where he can't be changed and he's not really trying being an asshole, it's just how people were in his day, so I tended to be amused by him as well. Particularly as he had all of these secrets from his wife, like the fact he was going to write a play, was taking this class, and he smoked. Oh, and there was the whole fascination with homosexuality as all of his characters secretly wanted gay sex (riiiiiggght...).

Everyday I went to the class, I felt this pain in my chest that I had been ripped off. What the fuck am I doing here? Seriously? But then something unexpected would happen. Once, Mr. Waffles pooped a mouse (honest to God). Then I noticed Janice smoked in her bathroom and collected paintings of Parisian landscapes. Ralph got attacked by the bitchy cat and Janice spent the entire session lecturing him about consent and meeting the emotional needs of her pets. Ralph would reveal secrets to us and I realized I was witnessing the unfolding of a man. I realized that I saw the real him, as none of his closest friends did.

I eventually received the information of why Janice couldn't write anymore, this horrific event that sidetracked her and prompted her to teach, so she felt safe enough to write for herself again.

Legit Mouse Pooper.
I wasn't ripped off at all. I had front row seats to incredible characters in action and I fell in love with them. I watched them, saw the quirks that build over time, how the intricacies of pain, secrets, and self-denial manifest differently in people.  It was an experience that money should not be able to buy, this should be worth more.

And it made me realize that this is what writer's do. We witness, observe, understand, record, and make meaning through the madness. I realized that I achieved what I wanted. I am a writer, because I wanted to share what I saw.

I encourage everyone to make living a priority in their writing practice. It's good to leave the house, to leave your own mind, and connect with other writers. Just for the simple fact that they may be very strange people who will show up in your writing.

No matter what is presented at your table, grab a spoon and eat it. It's going to enrich you somehow.

July 8, 2011

Suddenly Silenced, Scene 231

Add some stars to my nerd credibility. STAR WARS, to be exact. I can now claim my 15 seconds of fame as a poorly dressed Luke Skywalker who comforts Obi Wan while he experiences a great disturbance in the force.  Star Wars Uncut is the brilliant idea of Vimeo developer Casey Pugh, who had novice and professional nerds from around the world take 15 second clips from Episode IV and recreate them in their own style. The result is a slightly choppy, hypnotic rendition using actors, animation, and Lego to tell the epic tale. Women play men, men play women, chewy is played by a few dogs... it's absolutely amazing to watch and I'm so honored to be a part of it! To see me as Luke Skywalker, hit 58.54.

The face of film-making is changing dramatically thanks to the internet. The possibilities of this crowd-sourcing style are endless... it gives me a few ideas...

July 1, 2011


It's the album I forced my girlfriends to listen to on a constant 5-hour loop, while vodka followed through my veins and I rolled around on the floor in my underwear. But really, it's the incidents that I cannot dismiss as sheer coincidence. Something is happening. Synchronicity.


June 22, 2011


"He's Baaaaaackkkk!!!"
 This my friends, is an exciting day! I can hardly type fast enough to spit this one out. The trailer for Nightmare Island 3: Rise of the Blood Queen has been released! Author Alice Bauer, played by the talented Anna-Maria LeMaistre (The Pharmacist), brings her family to Nightmare Island to find for herself what this Hookface killer is all about. What will happen? Oh... I think you know.

June 14, 2011

The Dead Are Restless

Brains behind the operation: Tessa Stamp & Christy Hutchinson
The lovely owners of The Theatre Garage.
Ever feel like life gets too cinematic for words? The lighting is right, everyone is in their place, and the soundtrack swells in just a way that you step back from yourself and think: this is a scene straight out of a film. A moment of bliss and then it's gone. 


June 10, 2011

Dreamer of the Day Time

"All people dream; but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recess of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are the dangerous people, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible."

 - T.E. Lawrence 

Yes... Now what does this have to do with bacon? Keep reading.

The Bleedening first draft was completed yesterday @ 10am. A 97 page baby boy came out after a gruelling 15 hour labour where I just had to commit and finish. The producers want to take it to Banff this weekend for the big pitch-fest, hopefully baby finds a daddy with lots of money.

But I didn't get to go to the Nightmare Island 2 Premiere and I didn't get to schmooze with all my friends and peers in the industry. No. I stayed home in last night's pajamas, literally writhing on the floor, uncomfortable, looking for distractions, wanting sugar (of all things!), and then found myself getting into the birthing position. Seriously! It was like instinct came over me and my body just started doing it. I couldn't get comfortable without squatting over my computer (quite a sight you can imagine) or balancing the laptop upside down while on my back, legs apart to stimulate the creative chakras or something... desperately needing a hand to squeeze while I pushed the mutherfucker out. It was weird. Primal. Scary. And then sleep inevitably took over. At the crack of dawn I was back at it, slugging through.

"Why on Earth did I decide to become a writer?!? Why did you encourage me???"
 "Shut up and get it done! And I'll take you to Albert's. "

Woah ho ho! New life injected into me as the promise of BACON took me into the last legs of sanity to whip up a sub-par first draft ending. But it's done. And I'll tell you, for a mostly vegetarian with 3.5 hours of sleep, suffering from massive isolation... Bacon is delicious. It's horrible, I know. The shame of it all. But maybe a life needed to be sacrificed in order for a new one to enter the world.

And by noon I was at work, hobbling around in a dream-like state, letting my customers know that I'm sleep deprived and my facial recognition software is broken, so don't take it personally. They took very good care of me. And then I got to go home and curled up with Season 5 of the Gilmore Girls (thank you Angela).

So. I finished. I once again separated myself from the people who talk about it from the people who do it. And once you actually DO something, you realize why most people AVOID it. It is the hardest thing ever, whatever it is you chose to do.

June 8, 2011


Follow the linked title above to visit the official Nightmare Island Website!
TONIGHT is the big premiere of Nightmare Island 2: Hookface's Revenge. Playing in Edmonton's Nextfest at Avenue Theatre 8pm.

Seeing that I live with the director, I've already had my private premiere in my pajamas in our shared common area. But I'm really excited to see Part 1 and 2, plus the trailer of Part 3! Mainly because I'm in it. Let's be serious.

Galen and I went to high school together so I've been privy to his projects for some time now. Couldn't be prouder of my brother from another mother. The quality of his films continues to surpass the next, reputable actors want to work with him, and I've always admired him for continuing to build towards his dreams. As he says, "What the hell else am I going to do?"

He's the big director and co-creator of THE BLEEDENING... so come out and see what he's made of!

NextFest Schedule

June 5, 2011


So worth it.
 The deadline for the screenplay is looming and I've been participating in some hardcore procrastination. Gold foil leopard printed finger tips, waves in my hair, clean room, plenty of yoga classes, fridge full of fresh fruit... never before have I taken such good care of myself. But the script needs to be finished!

I'm having a bit too much fun choreographing the major death scene. I think I've decided my cameo in the film and have selected the best teen death. It will be the most disgusting, taboo blood spill that will go down in history. Now, let's hope we can actually film it without being sued.

But, as independent filmmaker and rad dude Deco Dawson always says, shoot it the way you want people to see it. Worry about the fines later. Because by the time anyone finds out you don't have the rights, they've already seen it the way it was supposed to be.

I smell rebellion on the horizon!

May 23, 2011

Meeting Captain Malcolm Reynolds

On the tail end of my shift last night, my dogs start barking and I want to go home. The pub isn't as bumping as it usually is on a Saturday night. The Rapture? Perhaps. All I know is that I'm left behind and probably deserve to be. And as I'm taking the drink order for a new table I turn to the person closest to my right and I see this. Well... different shirt, darker lighting. But YES! Mr. Nathan Fillion aka Captain Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly!

May 18, 2011

Three Days Till Apocalypse

So according to a select group of organized crazies, some serious shit is about to go down this Saturday. Which is too bad, because I felt like I had a lot going for me and the screenplay isn't finished, and I'm working this Saturday. If the Rapture is going to take place, I'm really going to wish I had taken the day off.

I don't know much about the Rapture, unless we're talking about this:

So I will allow you to educate yourself with the weblink below. Make sure to check out the "Timing of Important Events in History" which finally gives us a definite time of when the God created the world, when Noah started the first incorporated ZOO, and how we're all going to die by fire October 21st of this year. Strange enough, the dinosaurs are not mentioned on that time line of important events. Weird.

Proof that the world is so much scarier than anything that goes on in my perverted brain: (I made that up).

May 13, 2011

Fear Has a New Face

Well... some people never lend a hand.
Happy Friday the 13th!!! Can't revisit these unlucky days without thinking of the film franchise that has been scaring sexy teens away from camp grounds and each others jibbly bits since 1980.

But move over Jason, there's a new kid on the block and his name... is Hookface!

Galen W.E. Pendleton's "Nightmare Island Trilogy" is a throwback to the campy, campground classic. Self-professed "sexy teens" (who clearly hold day jobs, pay taxes, and graduated from high school ten years ago) find themselves stranded on Nightmare Island, in the center of Murder Lake. One-by-one the teens are slaughtered by the pun-affected Vietnam Veteran with hooks for hands. For low budget, the gore is parfait (strawberry parfait) and the trilogy is jam-packed with talented theater and television actors.

Play nice and he might let you off the hook!
Yours Truly will be terribly slaughtered in the third installment, "Rise of the Blood Queen," so you'll have to hold tight. Until then, an official website has just been launched HERE! Hookface is updating his twitter page on the REG, so don't be a dumbass and completely miss out on the buzz of this new cult classic. Go to the website. Become a fan. Get HOOKED!

May 11, 2011

People Are Gonna Die!

The screenplay is starting to take shape. I've been working with an excellent resource, John Truby's The Anatomy of Story: 22 Steps to Becoming a Master Storyteller and what do you know, he has a blog HERE.

Confident with the structure and character development, I've now begun the fun part of working with the scenes and dialogue. I usually free form on paper (I have less instinct to edit that way) and just let it all come out, then sift through the mess.

The best part of writing a horror film is that you get an opportunity to kill all the people that irritate you. THE BLEEDENING is going to to have the biggest blood fest of sexy teens blood projectile vomiting and oozing out of every orifice... I can't wait!!! And so I had to decide yesterday who I really want to showcase in death, because as I writer you are essentially stating a message about the world about how people should live (the moral tale) and who deserves to die. At first, I took the easy way out and had the jocks vs the nerds. But no, that's just not real to me. The people that have really irritated me in life are the semi-intelligent, hipster band guy/actors with the tight pants and the chest tattoos. Recognize these were also the guys that I teen crushed on when my girlish brain couldn't weed out the gold from the turd nuggets. So they're GONNA DIE!!

I'll describe to you a true event that I'm blending into the screenplay so when you see the film, you'll have the inside scoop. A few years ago, I was in Toronto with a connected young tour manager who brought me to  meet The Reason. There I met Billy* the merch guy, who was the strangest dude I've ever met. After getting Billy's back story of endless shenanigans of douche-baggary - pretending he was the lead singer to get laid, then getting slapped when the poor girl saw the real band on stage - he takes off his shirt to show me his new tattoo. Imagine if you will, a hammock filled with animated fruit. A smiling apple, a jovial banana. I think a pineapple was even present. And then Billy, tattooed on his own chest, has his arms around the fruit, having a grand ol' time. It's something you would expect to see on some cheesy low brand pina colada mix, not on this tight girl-jeans hardcore hipster. Then, and this is the best part, he says with all serious only an ironic hipster could muster: Fruit are the new skulls.

Take a moment to collect yourself.

Now imagine him exploding like a human land mine. Yeah, it's gonna be great!

Skull Art by Dimitry Tsykalov


April 29, 2011


It never fails to amaze me the level of anonymous hate that seethes out of strangers once you go public on the Internet.

Mama Jane is an Internet creeper - she's probably been on your Facebook page and checked out all the pictures of your cousin, just because she can. But her skills are that of a middle-aged woman who types with only two middle fingers with a percussive sound like this: ticka... ticka... tacka tacka... ticka. It can drive a person nuts. She's a typical mom that calls it "The Facebook" and "Tweeter" so you can imagine my absolute amazement when she went rogue, defied the logical boundaries of technological ineptitude and took on the Internet bully/stalker who dared call her beautiful daughter FAT.  

I say bully/stalker because although my short films are posted on YouTube for the enjoyment of everyone, my name is not attached to them, nor do I have my own profile to host them, so you actually have to Google me  to find the one place where they're all hosted. And under each video, posted by the same anonymous profile is "Great film... except for the fat actress" or "This was hilarious, but what's with the fat blonde chick?"

Really? That's all you got? I'm Fat? My film won $500 dollars. This person could admit they liked it. There were four other actors in this particular short, but I get singled out and insulted. Now why do I scare you so much?

I'm a size 4. I've never considered myself having a weight issue, however... I remember reading somewhere that the "average Hollywood actress" is a size 0 and weighs about 90lbs. I've also read the "average Hollywood actress" has bulimia and STILL has to suck a dick to get a job. So I will apologize now for not having low self-esteem, an eating disorder, and a people pleasing complex. To steal from Lady Gaga, "I'm a fucking lion... and I'll devour a veggie burger like the ravenous beast I am." Totally took some liberties on that quote.

And what if I was "FAT" ? What difference does it make? Would it mean that I should be shamed from pursuing my dreams and goals? Deny a God-given directive to follow my heart's desire?

I see YouTube comments on girls I would classify has being "skinny" and thus "having it all," they too are called FAT. So I think we all need to just pull our FAT asses out of the world of shame and shake it even harder in the faces of adversity. Just mark a big F and U on that ass and shake it!

Being insulted seems to come with the territory. It often makes me laugh, but it really hurts my mom's feelings. FAT is the default insult for women, like "Gay" would be for the straight male. It doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to be true. It's old and tested and it works for the immature person who is so riddled with their own failures and inadequacies. I've stepped out here with my real face and my real name. Anonymous hides in the shadows, thinking they're taking me down a notch. Clearly, my balls are bigger.

But this is the best part of the story. Jane goes into Momma Bear mode, takes the afternoon off from her private practice to figure out how to create a YouTube account so that she can retort and defend my honor. Do you realize how insane that is? She's defied her generational limitations for a higher purpose. That's like grandma lifting up the car so little Timmy can crawl out. I was so proud of my mom. It didn't matter that it probably took all afternoon for her to figure it out and that she typed with two fingers. Because this is what she posted:

I've noticed you posted the same comment on each of the videos of this beautiful young actress. Clearly, she knows you personally. Why don't you post a picture of yourself? I'm sure you're a real looker!

Doesn't that just scream Mom? Can you imagine how proud I was of her? My mom's a fucking lion and she'll hunt you down in the desert and tear your face off if you mess with her cub. So don't.

April 24, 2011

Praise Jesus!

Jesus Walks. Or Floats.
It's Jesus' Re-Birthday and how could I not comment on the greatest horror story ever told? Although I was born into an Irish Catholic Family, my religious experiences with Jesus were sporadic. I remember getting smacked for saying, "Jesus was pretty hot, hey mom?" when I pointed out the illustration in my kids bible. Apparently, you can't objectify the Lord. Then there was the holographic picture of Jesus in my great grandmother's wood-panel bungalow. He would bless you if you walked past him. I thought it was pretty neat and when she died I wondered who he was left to. 

But the first "scary" Jesus experience was when my uncle took me to church shortly after being released from jail for bank robbery, hostage taking, and possession of cocaine. In the slammer, he became a born-again Christian. And boy, do you score points when you show up with a cute five-year-old girl and try to convert her to the cult cause.

I remember this stale church with florescent lighting and these adults that didn't dress like the regular adults I knew. I felt weird and uncomfortable, probably beccause of the gory image of Jesus in the front, bleeding on the cross, nails hanging out of his flesh, the crown of thorns... it gave me nightmares. But that wasn't the worst part. My Uncle John was called to the front. He waved his hands in the air like he was struggling with invisible bees and called out for Mary, mother of Jesus, to speak to us. And she answered.

I nearly shit my pants. I was five! How was I to know it was some audacious nutjob in the back who took it upon herself to "evoke the spirit"? That shit was real, and if Jesus' mom was real then so was he and why the f*$% ( I really did swear at an early age) was he nailed to that power line?

Because of that experience, I wasn't able to finish my prayer in my kid's bible: If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take... no thanks dude, I'm keeping my own soul thank you very much.

I always thought Freddie Krugar traumatized me as a kid and made me obsessed with horror, but maybe it's Jesus' fault. As a side note, Uncle John soon after went back to a life of cocaine. Turns out Jesus' love just isn't as euphoric as the blow, but that's a story for another time.

Now this is what I've been thinking over the past few days. I really want to see a story about Jesus as a vampire. I know it's not an original idea, maybe it has been done already, but I don't think so because the good Christians of the world would shut that down pretty quick. There is Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, which has some clever tag lines and a laughably entertaining premise, check out the trailer HERE, but I want some acknowledgment of how our popular North American vacation maker is clearly one of the undead!

The Eucharist (drink the blood, eat the flesh), being staked, the image of the cross as being harmful (not because it evokes the holy light, but shit, if I was crucified and someone was rubbing it in my face I would probably hiss at them too), the resurrection from the tomb... he's immortal... I mean, what else do you need??? It's been mentioned before, even Jason Stackhouse made the connection in TRUE BLOOD season two, but I really want to see what could be explored here!!

I like to imagine the vampire Jesus hiding out in the desert again, troubled by being so misunderstood and the irony of his followers spilling more blood than he does, in his name no less. Ripe with struggle. What will he do? Where will he go? Who did he change with him? I'd love to play with this, but I just don't have the time. So this idea is free for the grabbing. Just send me a copy.

April 18, 2011

"Face it. You're no whore and you're no athlete." - My Mom

Writer's have to have some inspiration and I've re-kindled my love affair with the public library recently. I had to take a decade hiatus when I collected a hefty $595.00 charge... seriously, and how is that possible? Because I'm a greedy greedy and I want everything now and I want it to be mine. Bwha hahaha!

Stumbled upon Diablo Cody's  book Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper. Such a fun summer read, I highly recommend it to those who haven't enjoyed it yet. However, it's really burnt a hole in my plan B. Or plan C. The stripper life is certainly not for me. I just don't like people that much and I've always been an uncooperative sort. Even as a waitress I can't hustle that much. "Fuck You" is always on the tip of my tongue. The book is really funny, graphic, and doesn't glamorize the lifestyle. It's clear she was the black sheep of the industry, the one there for fun. It's a grizzly, sexist, debasing profession. Glad I've got my brain. That's plan B: Scientist. (Not really).

April 10, 2011

Starry Eyed

You know that scene in Abyss where Lindsey Brigman (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio) is just awe-struck by the new entity she's encountered in the depths of the Ocean? Yeah... I'm feeling like that lately. I mean, maybe it's the euphoric starvation as my diet has been strictly Cortisol and Cranberry Juice w/ Soda... but I'm on the path to new discoveries and experiences and I'm feeling pretty damn good about it.

As I've trudged along with the development of two feature-length screenplays for M.Entertainment, we've signed an option agreement and they've gone ahead with searching for funding to develop and produce the projects! Which means - ideally - that within the next three years, both films will be made. The producers have just returned from a meeting on the coast with SuperChannel where they pitched the ideas and apparently, SC LOVED them! It's so amazing to have that feedback - all reinforcements that I'm doing the right things and all this hard work is beginning to pay off.

The most incredible thing is how normal this feels. It's only been since August that I decided to devote time to screenwriting and adjusting my life accordingly. It seems to be developing pretty fast, but I've been so focused on the work that it's almost hard to recognize how significant this milestone is. People have been so supportive, feeling like this was inevitable, and I guess I hoped it was, but still doubted it. I thought this experimental year would end with me hanging up my hat and "settling down" into a mind-numbing desk job that's practical and easy. Or become a stripper. It was 50/50.

Now I'm really beginning to understand my own potential and I'm expanding my vision of myself. But I also need to eat... the pub has been incredibly busy lately and I'm surviving on adrenaline and a Second Cup muffin during 9 hour shifts. The past... shit, three weeks, have been a complete blur of sleep deprivation and headaches, hours of Civilization to "come down" from life (I totally massacred the Chinese after they stole my city. Don't mess with me computer!) and curling up like a cat in the lap of my hot nurse, who is also stressed and overworked.

I seriously need a vacation and time to replenish this dehydrated brain. And take time to be really, really grateful for the opportunities that are springing up around me. And damn, I need to watch Abyss again. That was an incredible movie. Rent it.

March 14, 2011

Up in Smoke

I've started taking some freelance work with my mother's consulting company, which brought me to an interesting governmental workshop on Fire Smoke. I sat in a corner of the rented Delta Hotel room and took notes while leaders in the field discussed issues and presented their personal accounts on the harmful affects of fires in the west. Not only did I have a few days of making some real cashola and got to pee in the fancy hotel bathrooms where you essentially get your own room and the toilet flushes for you,  but I also had time for some excellent writer research and observation.

Oh yes, I am privy to the inner workings of the Air Quality Health Index and the wonders of Prescribed Burning... it suited my nerd sensibilities quite well. I also enjoyed watching grown men and women fall asleep at their tables during presentations, darting awake with wide-eyes to make sure no one was looking. And the free cookies and tea the hotel provides. See, being a writer allows you to live off the grid and partake in fields of life that you wouldn't have insight to. I search for money like pilgrims searched for water... with a wire hanger in the wilderness and just follow my instincts. I always end up in strange places that end up inspiring me. Now... I really want to write about fire!

And as per usual, I entertain myself during the slower times of the workshop by assessing the population I'm spending time with. I call this game, Apocalypse Now. What if these were the last people on Earth and we're all trapped in this Delta Hotel room and have to establish a new society? Being a young female I would have to procreate as soon as possible to save the human race, so I check out my suitors and competition first. I already decided there is one suitable sperm supplier  - a mid 30's fire fighter who would make a good mate, as he's strong and attractive. The alpha male of the sexy times.

HA! Sorry... couldn't help it. And no. NONE of them looked remotely like this.

Then, I like to see who our leaders are. We've got a doctor and a few scientists, that's excellent. This is already a higher scoring game for survival then I've played in, lets say, the subway or the movie theater. Chances of survival there is pretty slim. But in the Delta, we've got a fighting chance.

There are a few youngish women, but no real competition with my fire fighter. C'mon. I'm superhot. However, if we became good friends, and I see that we could by their stylish boots, then I'd share my fire fighter with them. Occasionally. Just for survival. Since my mother is also in the room, I look for companions for her as well and find that she has a better time in this field. There are at least six men that could suit her needs; some men who are just good for the looking, others for emotional support, and others for companionship and laughter. Yeah, my mom's got it made in Apocalypse Now - The Delta Hotel.

Then, I look for the health risks. The heavyweights, the Diabetics and Asthmatics. Who would we eat first? Our society would be quite peaceful as we have a lot of intellectuals. However, there is one possible thorn in my side... this young deer-in-the-headlights student with her first government job. She's been hovering over my table like a weirdo crane, all lank and no chin. She's smart, but awkward as hell, with the people skills of a serial killer. I've already decided that her insecurity and stage 4 clinger status will suit well with the "funny guy" midlife crisis twenty years her senior who hangs around women like a yappy Chihuahua. Yes, these two will fall in love... they're perfect for each other. But what about the hovering??? It's bad enough during the Fire Smoke workshop where I have to run out of the room before lunch to avoid her, but what about when I have all these babies with the Fire Fighter and she's up in my grill, trying to ask me about breast feeding when the thought of her and Mr. Generic Loser make me want to puke? I've got SURVIVING to do! I don't have time for that. No... she has to die. I hope she has a heart condition.

And THAT ladies and gentlemen, is what goes on in the head of a writer. It's weird shit.

January 15, 2011

Transfer the Medium

 I love the inspiration that comes from being out in the world and talking to new people. Despite of my struggles with carbohydrate deficit, lack of sleep, and the frustration of shoveling my car out of 2 feet of snow like it's my fallen friend in the battle of Arnhem... I went to meet with my fellow writers.

Met some cool people that just started dropping ideas into me, setting off triggers and alarms (the good ones). Then I'm driving home, thinking about my failed screenplay that was recently rejected by the CFC (for the decapiflation no doubt) and it hit me. I don't need permission. I don't need to waste years finding a producer with 10 million for a budget. No, I publish the project as a graphic novel and make it as dark and gritty as need be. And this freedom of breath just hit my chest, this brilliance of light is coming through and everything makes sense. So I'm taking on a total new venture as a writer and beginning the search for an amazing illustrator to bring this world to life.
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